How to Look at Challenged Kids with New Eyes during COVID-19 and Beyond
Viewpoint or point of view? We all have eyes but we don’t all necessarily see the same things in the same way. Many children with challenges have visual tracking, near to far vision, light sensitivities or other vision issues. The way their vision and neurological systems process their visual input literally gives them a very different viewpoint from those around them.
I am going to climb out on a limb and say that most of us are probably seeing life from a new, sometimes uncomfortable, point of view these days. We may be seeing sides of our children, our family dynamics or ourselves we haven’t dealt with before. How many are attempting to see through the unfamiliar eyes the role of teacher or therapist? Opportunities to slow down, reflect and make changes in our lives don’t happen often in our fast-paced world but this may be one of those rare moments. So, take a deep breath, take one more, and let’s try looking at our children with new eyes.
One of the first things all my clients learn are the “State Changes”. These were developed by Judith Bluestone of the HANDLE Institute and they are indicators for neurological systems that are on overload, stressed and no longer processing efficiently making emotional control, learning, processing sensory input and listening all the harder.
Physical effects of state changes include:
Red ears or the tip of the nose, flushed cheeks
Change in facial color, mottled skin or loss of color
Dizziness, complaints of feeling buzzy or fuzzy headed
Nausea, stomachache
Headache, pressure in the head or face
Changes in breathing
Disorientation
ProTip: For example, if you notice a flush or hear a complaint of “feeling weird” it is time to stop the current activity and come back to it a little later. A neurological system isn’t like a muscle, pushing through or doing 4 more won’t bring you any more benefit but it may very well give you a headache or stomachache from dizziness.
A young man in my office insisted on showing me he could do more of an activity after having the state changes pointed out to him because what could possibly happen? Later when I checked in with him, he’d gone home to take a three-hour nap and gone without dinner! Now when his face gets flushed and the ears feel warmer he uses these clues to help manage his stress and knows to check in with his body. Once you notice when these changes happen you can point them out so your child can also learn to be aware. “Your cheeks are flushed do they feel warm? Are you feeling frustrated, is this hard for you? So, stop take a deep breath, get a glass of water, we’ll try again later and let’s remember how this feels for next time “. Now you’re helping them with body awareness and its emotional component!
When meeting with clients, observation is one of my most invaluable tools and I look at behaviors as communication. Certain behaviors fulfill certain types of needs either from a neurological or emotional standpoint. Rather than moving too quickly squash a behavior try stepping back, make notes, and observe. When does this happen, what went on before/ after, who was involved, is it reoccurring or does x always led to y. What need might this behavior be filling?
Non-verbal clues include:
Posture - slumping, tension in the shoulders, arms crossed,
Stance - braced wide feet, twisted legs or arms, torso or pelvis thrust forward
Facial - grinding teeth, jutting jaw, lips pursed or chewed
Hands - flapping, wringing, clenched fists, chewing nails or clothing, sucking thumbs or objects
Movement - jerky, slow, hyperactivity, hypoactivity, muscle tension, fidgeting
ProTip: Observation of the non-verbal communication behaviors of posture, movement and facial expressions can signal joy, frustration, building anger or sadness. Noticing the cues before the storm can help you to diffuse a meltdown, fight or crying jag before it starts!
I now see parents doing their best to stand-in for the multitude of service providers in their children’s lives and fully understand the heroic role that school, schedule, coaches, therapists and teachers play in the lives of our children but I’m also going to ask you to bear with me here for a moment. This time can be used as an opportunity to learn your child’s strength and skills in an entirely new and different way. Try taking off the lens of school performance and the pressures that comes along with it to see the gifts, skills and talents not valued in that arena.
When we’re focused on fitting in and conforming to the required behavior it’s easy to lose an appreciation for the quirky sense of humor or blurting honesty of a socially awkward little heart. Don’t worry about replacing your child’s teacher, they need you to be their parent, to take the long view and see the wonderful qualities that can become their strengths into adulthood long after school is but a memory. Take your cues from them – try art, crafts, write stories together, humor, pranks, science experiments, walks, reading aloud together, playing cards or games, find joy together. Try something new together, do an old favorite with a new twist, explore together and go wherever it leads. I read an article about the actor Tom Hanks, he was talking about his struggles in school, but I think we can agree those struggles didn’t keep him from finding his gifts and leading a successful life. Think of this as your family’s treasure hunt.
School and life will eventually become “normal” again but maybe, just maybe, you and your child will have new eyes. As always if you have questions please reach out. Stay safe, stay healthy, stay well!
