Coping with Challenged Kids in the Time of COVID-19
My first thought was to title this blog “Dear God Preserve my Sanity!” because the current health crisis has thrown us all into uncharted waters and our sense of normal is being stretched on a daily basis. Even those of us who yesterday could easily embrace change are now feeling pulled a little too thin. But for those who have challenges, hate transitions and deal with anxiety, adult or child, this is an especially scary and trying time.
After talking with some of my parents about how to approach the news and changes they are dealing with at home I thought it might be time to share some coping strategies to help challenged families get through self-quarantining with their sanity and love for each other intact! I’ll be starting with options for talking about the fears surrounding the virus and quarantine then in other blogs move on to ways to build skills to empower hope and a sense of control in the face of the unknown. These are techniques that can be used by anyone, every day but they seem particularly relevant now.
Let’s start with 3rd party blame. We are all familiar with the elusive and very busy “not me”. Who spilled milk all over the floor? Not me! Well, now you can make “not me” a friend who works for you. When explaining the circumstances surrounding staying at home, not being able to go to the park or having to sit down to do schoolwork at home the nebulous 3rd party can now take the blame. This way the conflict is not between you and your child, it is the governor’s / mayor’s / school’s fault we need to be at home. You are now working together on the solution thus cutting down the situations where you are the adversary.
Pro Tip: This also works with charts, schedules, and timers. For example, “It is the schedule that requires us to do this now” or “it’s the timer’s fault we are finished”. Rules and laws also fall into this category as in, we are/aren’t doing “XX” because we’re following the law which is in place to protect and keep us safe. Most children will accept these explanations and find comfort in the boundaries they provide.
First and foremost, it is very important to talk to our children about what is going on around them. They often hear, see, and know more than we think they do but that doesn’t mean they know how to process that information intellectually or emotionally. Which leads to all sorts of misconceptions, fears and emotional upheaval. This is when the adults who love them need to step in and calmly have hard conversations about their fears and worries.
Pro Tip: Just like those conversations about the birds and the bees, when talking to children about the virus stick to facts, be honest and answer only the questions they’re asking, don’t speculate or expand on the scope of the topic. For example, if they ask about what is going on in your hometown stick to that but don’t bring in information about D.C. or Italy which can quickly become overwhelming.
Answer their questions as best you can, promise to find out more if you don’t know the answer and again be honest if you don’t know. If you think they can handle what you find, look for information together, if not get back to them once you’ve had a chance to screen the information first. Remember, kids have the best radar in the universe when you aren’t being truthful or are holding something back and don’t worry they are very forgiving if you don’t know all the things, all the time. They’re familiar with that!
Some kids find science and facts comforting so the more information or data you can give them the better it helps soothe their fears. Others don’t want to know more than the essentials before emotion overwhelms them, they would rather be kept in the dark. Then there are the ducks who look like the world is fine on the surface when actually everything is churning underneath and they may need a little of both. You know best how your child can process this information and how much they need to know or not know.
Pro Tip: Limit talk to “virus time”. For example, we will have a family talk at 4:00 every day to address your concerns for 30 minutes or until your questions have been answered but we won’t spend all day focused on the virus. Limiting news viewing can be a form of self-care for children and parents as well! Keep the flow and scope of information appropriate to your child’s age, level of anxiety and need to know. Should virus talk keep popping up gently remind everyone that it’s not virus time and redirect the conversation/ attention in a new direction. Offer to set a timer to remind everyone of virus time or keep a list of questions to be discussed so “we won’t forget”.
Limit news access for younger children to only the information you think is useful for them and when they can best process it. Make the effort to sit down and review then discuss information that older children, including teens, have accessed independently because they also need your help and discernment to process these topics. Now is a great opportunity to teach them how to spot fake or biased news in real-time! Keep in mind that age isn’t always a true reflection of maturity or an ability to process information at a certain level so meet your child where they are not where you think they should be. This is about them and not a reflection upon you.
But this advice is for you, the Mamas, Dadas, and caretakers of all stripes, your wee folk take their cues from you and they need you strong. They will pick up on your emotions faster and more clearly than you realize. So, try practicing a little adult self-care, take deep calming breaths before sitting down to talk about these things, come alongside them, look in their eyes if that’s not overwhelming for them, and take the time to really listen to them. What else could possibly be more important right now? Know that their fears and anxieties aren’t the same as yours, nor should they be, but they are all less when shared.
Pro Tip: Most of all remember that we are in this together. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Humanity has gone through this before and survived because we are resourceful, intelligent, compassionate and connected. We will do it again.
I will be adding more weekly tips for staying home with your challenged child that hopefully will help get you through without losing your sanity. Or googling what age you can still leave them at the fire station! As always please reach out by phone or email if you have any questions. Stay safe, stay home, stay healthy.
