Getting Them to the Table
Have you’ve ever spent 2 hours trying to get your child to sit down and do 10 minutes of homework? Homework time can be a tearful 2 hours of frustrated threats and we aren’t even talking about your child’s reactions! Why is it so hard for them to simply get started? Well how far would you go to avoid starting a job you didn’t know how to do, didn’t know where to start, didn’t know how long it would take or when it would end and the pieces wouldn’t go together in a way that made any sense?
Anyone can feel daunted when starting a project but for those with ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory processing or learning issues even familiar chores can induce feelings of anxious overwhelm. Many of those with learning or behavioral issues have a challenged gravity sense with poor proprioception, which is our awareness of where the body is in space. This sense is foundational to our spatial, organizing and sequencing abilities. These abilities are essential to our sense of time passing, knowing how to begin or end a task, what is a logical sequence and what is a priority. Knowing where to start and what happens next is a big hurdle!
Support your child in their schoolwork by helping with their sense of time and workflow:
Sequences: break the work into clear step by step pieces, only do 3-4 steps at a time, review the plan before beginning, explain why one step comes before another, make a clear ending spot.
Timers: use as a learning tool, example: “you feel like 4 math problems will take 2 hours. Let’s set the timer for ten minutes and see if that is true”. This is how one learns feelings aren’t as reliable as clocks.
Visual Reminders: Make a visual reference to help them orient should they get lost or confused. Have a jar with sequence options or pictures on slips of paper to choose from and put them into place on a chart or map you make together. Offer to go first, to do it together or work side by side.
ProTip: For some kids the timer is a comfort but for others it’s a ticking time bomb. Try it out but don’t feel like you have to stick with it no matter what.
When it’s time to begin work use clear declarations of your intentions and goals. Don’t ask open-ended questions such as “are you ready” or “when do you want to start”. Questions come with choices and choices can, for some, be too full of possibilities which leads to confusion and anxiety. Keep your directions short, concise and direct. Don’t get caught up in spiraling arguments or rabbit-hole questions, this is not a negotiation. Offer to write down questions and concerns at the desk to be answered later. Have some stock phrases to keep redirecting everyone back to the task at hand.
ProTip: Have a go-to set of neutral phrases like “I hear what you’re saying” that let your child know you heard them but don’t leave room for continued negotiations.
A consistent workspace helps to physically ground children spatially with where they need to be and what they need to be doing. Consistency is your greatest ally here so breath deep, present a businesslike exterior and keep in mind their resistance comes from a very vulnerable place of anxiety. If they resist coming to the workspace ask why they aren’t coming, their reasoning does matter. Reflect their concerns back so they feel heard but you don’t need to agree, refute or negotiate. Help them to tune-in, identify and express their feelings. If a meltdown should occur take a timed break in a cool down spot before starting again. Calm persistence and firm boundaries are your best tools.
Hard Boundaries: be consistent with time, consequences and rewards. Choose a time when they are rested and calm. Don’t make a threat or promise you can’t follow through on. Be they 5 or 15 this is how children learn to trust you.
Rewards: know what motivates your child like screen time, treats, things associated with favorite interests, special outings, materials for hobbies, a point system for long term goals, whatever works.
Immediate rewards / Immediate consequences: some children need immediate consequences or gratification. This goes back to the spatial challenge of time, for these wee folk waiting is forever. This is not the time to teach the benefits of a college savings account.
This issue isn’t about logic, common sense or intelligence otherwise the homework would have been done long ago. It’s about feelings, anxiety, doubts and, in the end, self-confidence. Knowing where to start, what comes next and how long it will take is a skill set children will use for the rest of their lives and a gift you can start teaching them today. Because right now can’t we all sympathize with the stress of wanting to know what comes next and how long will this take?!
As always if you have questions please reach out. Stay safe, stay healthy, stay well!
