The Stress of Being Freed
For adults stress is an all too familiar companion, one we would do anything to shield our children from but during this past year it has impacted everyone’s lives, in ways we had never even imagined possible. As we transition back out into a changed world we all need to learn the life skills of recognizing, assessing levels and self-regulating the stressors in our lives. This is where children really need adults to help see their struggles then help them identify and articulate emotions they may not yet have any words to describe. Think of their behavior, movement, even posture, as communication to help decode what your child may be experiencing but unable to verbalize.
Tip: Parents share your feelings too; it is okay for kids to know that this is hard for you too, it is reassuring not to be the “only one” who is struggling.
Signs of stress:
Look for changes in eating, dressing, playing, toileting habits, isolating behaviors, sleep patterns, self- harm, rapid mood swings, more aggressive or passive behaviors, less impulse control, or emotional outbursts.
Listen for changes in communication like less talking/ more talking, yelling, using inappropriate language, more argumentative, becoming withdrawn, not following the thread of a conversation, distracted attention, problems retaining information.
Note signs of increased physical complaints such as headaches, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, grinding teeth, clenching jaws, shoulder tension, neck, back or belly aches, clenched fists, increased fidgeting, non-stop activity.
Observe changes in posture or movement patterns. Children may lay on the floor to feel grounded, drape themselves or lean for support while sitting/standing. They may need to be next to or on top of someone to relax, fall asleep. Have they become stiffer in their movements, more ridged and tight in their body. It may be harder to relax, self-regulation takes longer after an upset.
Be aware that they may be less open to change / transitions, try to defend illogical behaviors or arguments even when they know it does not make sense. Commonly they may cling to people, stuffies, toys or special objects as anchoring tokens. Tip: if these tokens are comforting, find a pocket-sized version that can go anywhere with you.
More information on Communication, Adjusting Perspective and Managing Expectations can be found in past blogs
I think it is safe to say that we all, adults and children, have conflicting emotions involved in the concept of “getting back to normal”. The boredom and consistency of another day at home balanced against the possible conflict and mountain of change that awaits us outside our door. Change, expectations and stress go together hand in hand but there are strategies to help ease the way back.
Tip: It is natural to want to protect your children from hard truths but they will find reassurance in discussing them, knowing that you see these issues too and you will work on solutions together. No one likes being left out of the loop, that said, be age appropriate in the amount of information that needs to be shared.
Managing change, stress and expectations:
Communicate, communicate, communicate! Talk about everything, the good, the bad, the scary, the funny, the changes. Discuss what is important, values, lessons learned, that problem solving is a life skill that we do together as a family and a community.
Set aside time, daily or weekly for family check-in meetings. Turn off the devices, make sure everyone gets a few minutes of undivided attention, let everyone get a chance to talk uninterrupted. This does not have to be long or formal, just consistent with everyone being mindful of each other. Do not use blanket statements like “everything is fine or will be fine,” be honest especially when things are not fine.
Prepare for a conversation, situation or environment you know will cause anxiety or stress, have a rehearsal before- hand, talk about different solutions and outcomes. Have a few stock phrases or replies memorized for awkward social situations.
Build time into your schedule to decompress from school, outings, playdates, errands, and shopping. All of us are reviving rusty people skills, which is tiring and mentally stressful. An extra minute or two to relax and process interactions is sorely needed.
Take a breath, literally. Most of us are shallow breathers, deep breathing gives you more oxygen, better blood flow and a minute to regain composure. Best of all you can do it anywhere, anytime, at any age. Give yourself and those around you the gift of a little composure and patience.
Consider that for those with a high startle threshold, who live in the fight, flight or freeze (Moro) mode reflex integration work can help reduce anxiety, stress and scattered focus. Sensory processing work can help with sensory overload, emotional regulation and transition trauma.
Tip: seriously consider if that quick run into the grocery store on the way home from school is realistic or a sensory overloaded bridge too far. This applies to the overly stressed adult running on their last nerve as well as the sensory overloaded child.
Never before has a generation faced a global pandemic on a scale equal to this. There is no road map for our current situation, we are drawing it together as families and communities as we go. Celebrate your resilience and the resilience of your children for you are living through a historic event which makes you all incredibly special indeed. I would urge you to acknowledge the new skills, values and lessons learned rather than worrying about falling behind or looking at a “lost” year. Remember, young or old, we have all lost and gained together this year. Now, hug each other and tell your children they are like no other generation that has come before. Because it’s true!
As always if you have any questions or concerns please reach out for a complimentary consultation and, remember every body should be a comfortable place to live in.
